I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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