I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I cannot find my penis.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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