considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We got so high we made milksteak
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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