btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
