All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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