I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
