somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
