Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
