I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
