there's paper in my vomit.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
