it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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