I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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