Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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