Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator