he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.