We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB