you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.