I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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