Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
