this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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