omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
