He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
