I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize