Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
