I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
