We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
