Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
