I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
