an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
my liver is dry heaving
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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