nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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