What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
