My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
