She is in my trunk
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
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Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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