Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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