Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
where am i from again
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
