Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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