so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
