I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
