3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I need to stop coming to work sober
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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