i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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