You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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