Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
