put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
