I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
