oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
