Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
