As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
