I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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