I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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