I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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