Where did you get a picture of my penis
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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