I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
