Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
