I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
