I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
