i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
