I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
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I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
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By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.