Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers