turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
